dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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