I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
