I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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