omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
