My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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