The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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