I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
