Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
