I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
