Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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