To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
