He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
