you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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