Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a search helicopter?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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