i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
