I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
