I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
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You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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