I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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