so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
