Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Vodka?
Forever.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm like, not good at living.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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