so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize