I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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