literally had 100 drinks last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
