He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
