In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Everyone says I win the strip club
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
