Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
