I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
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it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today