I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day