I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now