how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass