My friends, they love my intelligence
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
