OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
