I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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