i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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