SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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