You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
