Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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