Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
