You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
