Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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