there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
