Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Quick, to the slutcave!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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