The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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