Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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