she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
