Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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It's official drugs can't kill me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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