It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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