your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
