where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
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Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.