My hand turned me down
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
