Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?