yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
