i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My ATM looks so different sober.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
