Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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