What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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