he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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