We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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