he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
