Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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